Knowing and Listening
woah! what a year! am i right? :) August 1st is my birthday so mid-summer has always become a time of deep reflection for me
i made a lot of mistakes this year - like real mistakes, the kind that sting for a while, like a real good toe stub.
One of my teachers, Adyashanti, says something to the effect that the more awake you become the more painful it is to act against your own deep knowing. Your intuition or gut if you will. When you are awake and you go against this, you are in PAIN. I can attest to this.
For a good long time, you might be sleepy enough to crawl back into the proverbial bed of UNKNOWINGbut then you wake up more and more and it’s too difficult to ignore when you’ve gone against your heart.
It became like a strange river trip where I would be just loving along the top of the river and then suddenly pulled under only to be popped back out above the water further down and looking back to see what the heck just happened. I spend many many hours days and weeks obsessed with these “mistakes”, with these moments of unconscious behavior. i was SO IRRITATED by them because I could see, looking back (an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year) how BEAUTIFULLY orchestrated the bounty of my life had been and how through completely unconscious behaviors, beliefs and a silencing of my own knowing, I would deny myself liberation.
so i have gone to battle this year with my habit of overthinking. this i think was put in place over time and conditioning to avoid the pain of instincts that were not held in love
my guru said to me - even if you do everything wrong you’ll still get everything you want.
when i begin to see that the system of reward and punishment is all in my own mind, then i can allow myself to appreciate the afternoon breeze coming through my window exactly the way i like it, the sun hitting the wall with just the right amount of gentleness, the kindness of my neighbor’s presence AND all the amazing things that are happening in my inner and outer worlds.